What says our writing staff?
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Over the last three weeks, Tom was relocated from his long held post as Lubbock lawyer, assumed the identity of Skippy the bag boy in a Des Moines Piggly Wiggly, and then was promoted to Associate Vice President of Piggly Wiggly Bag Boys (assistant to the Regional VP).
This week, he got head-hunted by an Ames Harris Teeter and was made Assistant General Manager of Cat Food and Putting Cat Food Labels on Expired Tuna, where he’s been having a whole “will they/won’t they” thing with Brenda, the three-time divorcee who ungunks the Deli Slicer after Pam, the mom of seven teenaged boys, puts in her weekly honey glazed ham order. “Honey Glazed Pam,” they call her.
Anyway… Frank by the loading dock has taken to calling Brenda Tom’s “work wife,” and made the mistake of saying it while Tom’s real wife (real name: Tom’s Wife Stephenson) was within earshot, as she had just pulled in to take Tom’s twin toddlers in to show Tom the hand turkeys they made in pre-school. Just went to town on a hypothetical where Brenda’s hand-feeding Tom paper-thin slices from the nubs of deli meat they can’t sell all sensual-like, because no one wants the part with all the seasoning and the twisty thingy.
So Gene, who sells the scratchers down at the Circle K, well you know Gene. He can’t help but gossip like a hairdresser three margaritas deep on Karaoke Night at the Ames Applebees. So Gene says to Mabel, he says…
Oh yeah. We have an actual football game this week. Bye weeks, man.
You’re still stuck with yours truly (Andrew VU ‘04) in this space until Tom tires of me airing his grocery store soap operatic dirty laundry and/or I get a book deal out of this rambling nonsense akin to what Jason Pargin did at Cracked with the novel (and now book series) John Dies at the End.
Hey, why not plug that writer? He’s a good guy, and he has a new book in that series coming out in a few weeks:
There Are No Giant Crabs in This Novel: A Novel of Giant Crabs (John Dies at the End Series #5)
…let’s see what our writers think about our chances against Clanga.
This is the last feetball game we have any realistic chance of winning in 2026. While I would love for Curtis to emerge from his chrysalis in full Josh Allen form over the bye week and tear Ramajama, The Jorts, and THEM from teeth to taint, I just don’t see it coming. Not with this offensive line, at least.
So why can we beat Clanga? Simply put, they were a one man band on offense and now that very strange boyfriend of Mary Poppins with his terrible accent is hurt. For those lost in the miasma of my reference-filled brain, Clanga’s do-everything QB Kamario Taylor is out for the season with a turf toe or something.
They’re going to AJ Swann.
They cannot be pleased with that.
The Pick: Vanderbilt 24, Mississippi State 21.
The SEC Upset Pick of the Week: Besides us? Give me Missourah (spits) and their actually good QB to take down Tejas and their Fallen Arch.
Frankly, we are two games running where Jared Curtis has made critical errors that killed any reasonable chance of winning. He also was the leading cause of having a chance at winning in Lexington. The Arkansas and Kentucky games are exactly what you expect with a super talented QB coming from weak high school opposition and being asked to carry an SEC team. The rushing attack is utterly abysmal.
The defense was a bit better. Only 2 drives by Kentucky topped 50 yards. Mississippi State will, per their injury report, have AJ Swann back. Maybe we should fear the “revenge” game, but he has had some injury issues and has a limited supporting cast, too.
It will be my first experience amongst the cowbells. I think it’s a close contest and…
The Pick: Vanderbilt 27, Mississippi State 17
The SEC Upset Pick of the Week: Kentucky is going to make a certain Vanderbilt graduate fan of THEM famous for being an insufferable, scummy douchebag pundit go as nuclear as the midterms did.
I really do believe we can squeeze one more win out of this disappointing season. It’s really not that much of a stretch, especially with Manchurian Candidate A.J. Swann at the helm in Starkville. Yeah, I’m feeling good.
(Here are some jokes I tried to fit into a prediction but couldn’t get to flow:
“Hey, if a Democrat can win in Mississippi, Vandy can, too.”
“It’s not like we’re trying to win a U.S. Senate race as a Republican there, we’re just playing football.”
“We’ll just need to make sure we check the score again 5 business days after regulation ends in case any mail-in points arrive.”)
The Pick: Vanderbilt 20, Mississippi State 17
The SEC Upset Pick of the Week: Missourah (spits) has been a sort of weird team for a bit now that always gets a big one, but just can’t piece things together. I think they beat an overrated Texas sort of handily, honestly.
(looks up who is currently playing quarterback for Mississippi State)
Oh. That’s where he is now?
So, yeah. I’m not so much picking us as I am picking against Mississippi State, who’s scored 18 points in three weeks. We haven’t even done that. Right? Right.
The Pick: Vanderbilt 21, Mississippi State 16
The SEC Big 12 Upset Pick of the Week: I will pick MISSOURAH (spits, +2.5) to beat Texas, thank you very much.
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Over/under how many quarters until I switch over to Game 2 of the World Series?
What says our writing staff?
Cripple fight!
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