Letters… we get letters… we get stacks and stacks of letters…
Support of popular / rising comedians has been a fun correlation of success. With that in mind which comedian will be the next to confess their deep support of the Vanderbilt football team?
Tom Stephenson: Let’s start with the more basic question of who is this Theo Von character.
PatrickSawyer: It will probably be someone less palatable than Theo Von. Von is, to my extremely limited knowledge, basically just an overgrown fratbro with a mic. I do not know of anything too offensive from him, but I also have only heard maybe 30 minutes from like 10 clips on social media. The type of people who jump on bandwagons tend to be problematic though.
Also, Von is just a Pavia fan. He is going to be gone as soon as the QB is no longer playing.
Cole The Mascot Head: I live under a rock, man. I watched a clip of Theo’s this weekend, I don’t get it. Glad we have Nate, though, even if his Emmys performance was meh.
Andrew VU ‘04: I do not consider Theo Von to be a comedian, as it is pretty important that a comedian be funny. However, I could see any number of Real World or Road Rules (or that mashup of both abomination known as The Challenge) alums like Theo Von joining the bandwagon, as they probably all know M.J. Garrett. So… let’s go with Puck. Puck absolutely has to be a part of the online Man-O-Sphere by now if he isn’t dead, right?
Our two big wins so far have involved crushing our enemies in the second half, seeing their fans driven before us, and hearing the lamentations of their internet commentators. Assuming we can’t expect all our future opponents to lose all morale in the second half, will we still be able to keep up a strong performance?
Speaking of morale, surely there’ll be a loss at some point this season. Any concerns about the team failing to bounce back once the aura of invulnerability wears off?
Tom Stephenson: Now what would make you assume there’ll be a loss at some point?
PatrickSawyer: If they bounced back from the Georgia State loss last season to be competitive with Missouri then BEAT #1 ALABAMA, they could handle dropping a game if it comes to that.
Cole The Mascot Head: Haven’t you heard? We are never losing again! And if we somehow did, we have swagger now! You can’t keep us down!
Andrew VU ‘04: Agreed, Conan. This season has been “What is best in life.” Also, with The Chicken Curse broken, anything is now possible. Talked to a Ramajama fan today at work and he’s pissed they have to play Vanderbilt again this year.
In short, it certainly appears that Clark Lea pressed “Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start” before the start of this season, as he is a fellow member of the Oregon Trail Generation (though bald).
A LB rushes standing straight up at a QB, waving his arms to disrupt a pass and crashes into in him body to body, head up with no launch after said QB releases the pass. How is that targeting again?
Tom Stephenson: It’s targeting because Shane Beamer whined about it, and at that point I understood exactly why Bert Bielema trolled the hell out of him in the bowl game last year.
PatrickSawyer: Sellers got hurt. Patterson’s facemask nudged Sellers’s helmet. It is a horrible call, but it is one of those stupid “game management” decisions where the injury was the main factor in calling the penalty.
Cole The Mascot Head: I guess that’s how the rule works? The lag in the review bothers me way more than the call itself. Can they implement a 1-minute limit (in addition to the “Before the Best Snap” criteria) on initiating a review? It is disrespectful to both teams to call for a review that late after waiting that long.
Andrew VU ‘04: Because they hate us. We will always have to beat the other team and the refs. You know, unless Nate Bargatze sways a few our way, or, I suppose, Theo Von threatens to date all of their mothers.
What are the odds Pinman was just using these Gamecocks as practice for Jacksonville State’s bowling Gamecocks? 97, 98 percent?
Tom Stephenson: You misspelled “Game Penises,” parlagi.
PatrickSawyer: Feels like 98…
Cole The Mascot Head: 300 pincent
Andrew VU ‘04: Damn it! Patrick beat me to my answer. Hail Pinman.
p.s. OO.
Think we can get an AoG tailgating section at the Utah State game?
As a happier question compared to these gloomy guses, favorite win from Lea’s tenure thus far?
Tom Stephenson: I’m gonna be honest, I haven’t been to the Dud since I was a Vanderbilt student in 2008, so that’s probably not gonna happen on my end (and anyway I’m not a big fan of tailgating, I go to football games to watch football and occasionally pay for overpriced beer in the stadium.)
My favorite win from Lea’s tenure? The obvious answer is the Bama game, but I was also a big fan of the Kentucky win in 2022, which was Clark’s first SEC win (and Vanderbilt’s first SEC win in over three years). Something about that game told me that everything was gonna be all right.
PatrickSawyer: I tailgate for every game, but why would you pick the 11:45 AM kickoff against Utah State?
Cole The Mascot Head: I will be tailgating on my buddy’s couch with his dad (also an alum) and my other buddy (work friend who graduated the same year I did, but whom I never met).
And obviously Bama, but the Kentucky game that immediately followed it was also incredibly sweet. It proved we were more than a fluke. It proved we had truly arrived.
Andrew VU ‘04: The only one of us who’s still in Nashville is Patrick, so reach out to him. You can make a chili in Cole’s old mascot head. Tell Cole beforehand, though, so he’s not wearing it at the time.
If Vandy throws a bag at Cal’s Jaron Keawe Sagapolutele to replace Pavia, how long will it take law enforcement to find all the pieces of my body when Mrs Import is done?
Tom Stephenson: Did the law enforcement go to Stanford or Cal? If Stanford, five minutes of plugging everything into Palantir’s evil spying software. If Cal, well, what murder? Was there a murder? We didn’t see nothing.
PatrickSawyer: That would be an unsolved cold case in 40 years.
Cole The Mascot Head: What does that have to do with the fact we still need to change the logo back (no, I have not forgotten!).
Andrew VU ‘04: First of all, I’m not convinced Pavia will ever run out of eligibility at this point. His lawyers are currently going for year 7 (somewhere, Josh Henderson is smiling… and stealing a Jorts fan’s popcorn), and, I mean… fuck it, why are we even pretending there are any “student-athletes” in major college feetball? Pavia is essentially on a 1 year, $2 million contract. It’s likely more than he’ll ever make in the NFL (still haven’t heard any interest in the man from NFL scouts, but I can’t see him not at least being a Dillon Gabriel level draft prospect), and it’s a clear business boon for Vanderbilt at this point.
Honestly, wouldn’t it be better if we just removed all pretenses, treated our football teams like the semi-pro Euro-style athletic clubs that they are, and stop allowing for all of these sham majors? Think of all the damned fools at football factories like LSU who are not athletes, but major in Sports Management because of the easy As, who, upon graduation, have to compete with a million other Sports Management recent grads for the choice internship job of backup T-Shirt Cannon operator of the Rocket City Trash Pandas. Just rip off the band aid already. Return to the original era of college feetball, where none of the players had any affiliation with the schools, and the roster of Harvard vs. Yale was a series of ex-cons, teamsters, and local goons. Sure, we can keep the forward pass, but why keep the student-athlete facade going when university athletic departments now employ General Managers???
On a scale of 1 to 5 with 1 being a little miffed, and 5 being Bama losing to FSU distraught, just how upset was Birmingham after they realized that their late buzz to check for (and then naturally confirm) targeting actually spoiled a huge chunk play for SC and helped VU win?
Also: Can you predict three other moments this situation in which “F Vandy” goes horribly wrong at SEC HQ?
Tom Stephenson: A solid 2. While Fuck Vandy rules were clearly applied, as time goes on the SEC office realizes that hitching their wagon to a meh South Carolina team would have probably gone poorly for them.
As far as how “Fuck Vandy” goes horribly wrong, the real way it goes horribly wrong is when SEC refs screw Vandy out of enough wins that Greg Sankey has to embarrass himself arguing with a straight face that a three-loss Vanderbilt should be in the College Football Playoff ahead of, like, a 12-1 Big 12 or ACC team. (Please let it be Georgia Tech. That would actually be very humorous if Greg Sankey has to make this argument, even if we end up getting left out.)
PatrickSawyer: 1.17. Removing Patterson to match the loss of Sellers was probably expected to be worth more than any one big play. That was false.
No? That is a pretty wild thing to predict due to how situational it would be. I can predict that 1 will happen to extend a Texas drive on 3rd and long that was going to result in a FG attempt then ends in a turnover to keep any points off the board. Tennessee will have a big play because of a no call or waved off call like VT’s TD where the OPI flag was picked up. The third will be part of an attempt to save Hugh Freeze from loss number 4 to Diego Pavia.
Cole The Mascot Head: The SEC hates the Game Penises, too, so they probably broke even on it?
As for ref calls, I do not know what the future holds, but I do know that the refs will be out for vengeance when we play Bama.
Andrew VU ‘04: Agree with Patrick. It’s pretty low, as they’re pleased as long as the refs make the attempt to fuck us over. If only we had the outcome-luck of those refs when Jeff Green was Georgetown’s traveling salesman…
Even with The Chicken Curse dead and buried, I cannot in good conscience predict any SEC ref-fuckery will do anything but go exactly as planned from here on out.
Which coaching duo is making the most out of their players so far: Kill/Beck or Lea/Gregory?
Tom Stephenson: It’s Lea/Gregory, if only because Kill/Beck are just doing what they’ve been doing. This competence from the defense is new.
PatrickSawyer: I will go Lea/Gregory from the standpoint of improvement from last year. Kill/Beck have such intricate offensive designs and have walk-on RBs ripping off 20+ yards every time he touches the ball. The offense’s efficiency and ball control also gives Lea/Gregory the freedom to get creative since opposing offenses know they likely will not get many possessions. Lea/Gregory have made the biggest improvements from last year, but that may be more about Stiner (S&C) or their position coaches.
Cole The Mascot Head: Have you seen how we adjust throughout the game? Kill and Beck are masterminds, true artists, when it comes to adapting an offense to beat a defense. We are a second half team because our offensive staff knows how to break down a defense and leverage the skills of our players to take advantage of any defensive weakness. Our defense is good, sure, and that is a huge step up, but our offense is STUNNING as it hums along just how we like it, every. single. game.
Andrew VU ‘04: The crazy thing is the correct answer is both. Lea/Gregory have been completely shutting down teams in the second half, and Kill/Beck have the most inventive, non-gimmicky offense I’ve ever seen. In addition to all the motion, their o-linemen are blowing tank-sized holes open for our backs. I’ll give the slight nod to Lea/Gregory, as they’re doing it with fewer star-caliber players than Kill/Beck. Really impressed by the entire staff right now, though. Lock them all up for a decade.
If Pavia loses his case is there a scenario where any/all wins this season could be vacated?
and/or
In the NIL era is there still an expectation VU student athletes regularly attend class and successfully complete their own work? Does anyone care regardless?
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How cooked are we when we lose Pavia next year?
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This season, what are we to do if Diego Pavia steps on a rake while visiting an orphanage, let alone if he can’t convince the NCAA via the Supreme Court to get another year of eligibility?
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So Vandy will very likely make a bowl game this year. And maybe a pretty good one. Some folks, including possibly HCCL, might think he caught “lightning in a bottle” with the transfer of Diego Pavia. If that is the case, is it possible that HCCL leaves for another SEC/Big 10/ND head coaching job, a la James Franklin?
Tom Stephenson: Pavia’s case is on appeal only because the NCAA doesn’t want that to be a lasting precedent (and because they don’t want to end up with all the same JUCO guys being eligible in 2026), but as far as his eligibility for this season is concerned, the NCAA already conceded that regardless of the outcome of the lawsuit.
There’s as much an expectation VU student athletes regularly attend class and successfully complete their own work as there is for any student, but as we’ve seen with complete dipshits being awarded college degrees for ChatGPTing their way through their coursework for four years, that bar is suddenly extremely low just in general (and if you’re Ohio State, you’re leaning into it; if you’re me, you’re demanding they bring back BlueBooks like God intended.)
Less cooked than you probably think just because VU is perfectly capable of getting another Pavia (okay, maybe not another Pavia) in the transfer portal and adjusting the offense to it. I’m not impressed with the current guys on hand though, so maybe kind of screwed this season if we lose him.
As to the last question: no, because Clark Lea is not James Franklin. I am not worried about losing Lea at any point in the foreseeable future; if it happens it’s going to be in about a decade and it’s only happening if he thinks he can’t win a national championship at Vanderbilt.
PatrickSawyer: The NCAA granted everyone in Pavia’s situation a blanket situation for this season. Everything that happens this year is safe as it relates to the extra year of eligibilty for playing JUCO.
Yes. There is no world where the Vanderbilt administration does not track this. Even Auburn has staff members that literally do attendance checks to make sure players are in class. The “complete their own work” part is less verifiable, but AI proliferation means that makes them normal college students.
As long as the team finishes 7-5 or better, they will probably find a QB who can run this system next yearto at least keep them at 5-7. Maybe that’s Blaze Berlowitz. Could be a transfer. I do think they are very high on Jack Elliott but want him to be able to develop slowly.
This season? Nothing? Unless by “steps on a rake” you mean “gets knocked out for the season,” then we turn to Berlowitz and hope we get good Blaze a lot more often than bad Blaze. If not, we turn to Dickey. Still should make a bowl with Dickey at QB.
Clark Lea will coach at Vanderbilt until they either fire him, or the university/athletic department do something extremely stupid to make competing at Vanderbilt impossible. Neither of those seems likely at all. If I had to bet whether or not Clark would be at Vanderbilt in 2030, I would hammer that he would be. The real concern should be about losing Tim Beck.
Cole The Mascot Head: Boooo, why are you trying to find something to worry about?
*engages sunshine pumps*
We are not going to vacate anything because, even if they already said they would not do that, there are too many teams with too many players in a similar situation for it to hurt us.
As for all this talk about what this team looks like without Pavia, well, right now we have him. ABs Stowers and Rinaldi and Hight (offense) and Alexander and Richardson and Fontenette and Hight (defense) and Taylor and and and… this is a great team, and we are doing and will continue to do great things this season, even if we have to put in Blaze. Enjoy the ride until it goes off the rails.
As for Clark? The Leanaissance is here to stay. He lives this school, this city, this team with all his heart. He went into coaching for this job. He will leave in a pine box or with a buyout in hand. We are lucky to have him, and I hope he sticks around for a long time (partly because if he does, it means we’re going at least around 6-6 every year, which is a year I would still take at the start of just about any season you offered it to me).
It was a sort of throwaway line on the broadcast, but Clark Lea changed EVERYTHING about who he is as a coach and EVERYTHING about how he runs the program because it was more important to him to win and stay here at Vanderbilt than it was to do anything else. He re-molded his entire coaching philosophy after Ray Davis left for Big Ugly Blue Team because he realized the college football environment was different from what he came up in. He fights every day to make Vanderbilt the best program in the country, and I do not see that stopping any time soon.
Andrew VU ‘04: Why the hell are you all like this?! You’re allowed to enjoy nice things!
Seeing these questions so far, how the hell is the sunshine pump at all gunked after these 3 games? WTF?
Tom Stephenson: Because honestly? Those of us who have been around the block with Vanderbilt football are going to look at this situation and only think about what could possibly go wrong here.
PatrickSawyer: Clearly, it is my fault for not manning it any longer.
Cole The Mascot Head: Mine is still running at full capacity.
Andrew VU ‘04: Well, superstition dictates we cannot change anything while on a heater. I didn’t particularly love Sierra Nevada’s Oktoberfest, but I filled my damned fridge with it after we broke the Chicken Curse. CDA has been drinking out of a freaking Das Boot (no word yet if it is filled with Horse Poison), and will continue to do so, I’m sure. Tom has listened to nothing but Sabrina Carpenter. Cole has been wearing the mascot head to work (I can only assume), and Patrick and I have continued to be in agreement, defying God’s will. So gunk away, ladies. Hail Pinman. OO.
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